I've come to the realization that I'm one of those people that starts things they don't finish and I've decided to work on that, amongst other things...
Anyway, this summer I actually followed through with something I've been thinking and talking about for a really long time.
I decided to undergo a weight loss surgery called the Lap Band.
Being overweight for most of my life, I tried (and failed) to lose the weight on my own many times. I remember my mother sticking me in a Weight Watchers type program called Ideal Weight when I was in 6th grade. You had to go to weigh-ins and eat their low calorie foods. I remember having a little book with my weights written in it each week and for some reason the only number that I remember from it was 187. It was 1990 and I was only 12 years old.
Fast forward to 1995. I'm now 15 and something very strange is happening, I'm losing weight without trying. No exercising, no diets, no pills, nothing and the weight is just disappearing like it was never there.
For the next 4-5 years I weighed anywhere between 125 and 135lbs and still thought of myself as fat. Even though I was getting OBSCENE amounts of attention from guys (and girls...lol) I still saw myself as that fat kid weighing in at 187lbs and my self esteem was still on fat mode. Needless to say, I was never able to embrace or adjust to the "thin" me.
I started to gain the weight back almost as fast as I lost it. I still have no idea how or why it just disappeared in the first place, but why ask why, right? I realized I was gaining it back when I tried on dresses for my sisters wedding. That was in 1999 and I weighed in at about 160lbs. I fell in love with a beautiful dress that I just HAD to have and made sure I was able to squeeze my ass into it and walk down the aisle of that church!
That was the last year I wore anything sleeveless.
For the last 10 years I've been in the 180-200's topping out at 227 in 2004. I thought about gastric bypass in that year. My aunt and mother both had that done and I thought I knew a lot about it. I remember telling my mother, "I don't know if they'll do it, ma. I'm still not 100lbs overweight." Her answer to me was, "Just put rocks in your pockets." LMAO! Thanks, mother...Great advice.
I never went far with the gastric bypass (thank goodness) and a few years later heard of a few friends getting this "Lap Band thing." I did some research and decided that this was something I would benefit greatly from. But as I stated in the beginning of this post, I never really follow through with what I want or need to do. Up until now.
I am currently 5 days post op and going through some really hard times. I don't regret having the surgery, I regret not being properly prepared for the aftermath. I did not realize how hungry I would be for the 3-5 weeks following the surgery. Or how emotional I would be. As I type this, I'm laying in bed, starving! I haven't had any solid food since Monday at 6pm (it's now Sunday 11:38pm). I am only able to drink nasty protein shakes, sip thinned cream soups and have a half of a sugar free fudge pop (if necessary). My stomach growls all day long, I wake up nauseous and dehydrated (I've always had issue with drinking too little) and crying. Not to mention the 5 incisions sprawled across my abdomen, that make it very uncomfortable to stand up, bend down, sit in certain positions and take showers normally. But the worst part of it all is the isolation. I can't be around friends or family because eating is usually included in the time spent with them. And I certainly cannot ask them not to eat, that would be selfish (something I've never been, but really need to be more of). So, are you picturing me alone in my room with the remote in one hand, a Gatorade or protein shake in the other, watching TV and sobbing into my pillow?...Well then good, you're totally getting it...LOL
I know what you're probably thinking, "You chose this, why are you complaining?" And I understand that statement, to a degree. Again let me state that I was blindsided by what this was truly going to be like. I don't know what exactly I thought was going to happen, but I never imagined this. And I don't think it's fair to just push what is going on with me aside because this was something I opted to do. I chose to do this so that I wouldn't wake up choking from my sleep apnea anymore. I chose to do this so that I would be able to climb a flight of stairs without chest pains anymore. I chose to do this so I have the confidence to pursue my goal of becoming a successful makeup artist in a very superficial industry that is all about aesthetics. And I chose to do this for my nieces. I would never want to die prematurely from this disease and never see them go to prom, graduate from high school and college, get their licenses, get married, have kids, etc. They are my world and I plan on seeing them through any and everything I can.
I am very grateful to have the support of my family and a few close friends that understand. I'm surprised by some who don't get it or don't care to, but everything in life is a lesson to learn and I am happy to keep my education going :) People aren't always who you think they are...Such is life.
With that, I'm going to bed. I'll be back soon with another post, as I find this extremely therapeutic.
Sweet dreams...
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